Sex Tips That Don’t Involve Scrunchies

While my future husband Matias Faldbakken is a masterful lover (or so I imagine…and often), he’s busy being brilliant so I’ll have to man this topic by my lonesome. So if you’d like to be a legendary ladies man or lovah I would suggest that a skill you MUST master is how to use your hands. If you’ve got your manual and oral skillz down you’ll be high demand.

To use your hands to their best effect PLEASE understand that the things you see in porn are, usually, not a good source of info. Porn moves are made to look good not necessarily feel good. Also dismiss any myths you may have heard about female sexual response, for instance being wet or dry is not always a great indicator of arousal. And please please please don’t assume we respond in the same way or to the same kind of touch that will get you off.

Hands are almost mandatory additions during: foreplay, intercourse and oral sex. So let’s start with foreplay or it could just be a hand job in lieu of P in V (in which case it’s just play? Is that the correct noun?). If you’re gonna rock our world with your hands PLEASE do not use or take the term “finger banging” literally. If you just stick a finger up a woman’s hootenanny and go to town that is uh REALLY not appreciated. First, please use some spit or a great lube on your fingers before you go downtown. Then try gently rubbing the entire mons with your hand while you kiss us. Work up to fingers in the bizness. Try building up to sliding a very lubed up finger between the outer lips and sort of working your way in. When you’ve worked your way up to the clit please go easy. Rubbing like you mean it is not a happy or fun time it’s painful. There are a lot of guys out there who think frantic rubbing right on the clit is just a fast way to make a woman come. It’s a fast way to never get another date is what it is. Some women can’t even tolerate direct clit stimulation. Try lazy circles lightly with the pads of your fingers AROUND the clit, or gently on the clit over the hood and ask her for a lot of feedback. If your woman is really comfortable with herself, and with you, you can ask her to masturbate for you and that will give you a fantastic idea of the kind of stimulation she likes. Keep these general ideas in mind also when stimulating a woman’s clit during intercourse. And also? It’s considered good form to do this as most women don’t come from just vaginal stimulation. You’re having a good time so should she, share the aloha dude.

Fingers during oral sex is where “finger banging” (seriously does anyone know a better term?) really comes into play. Once again be gentle and work your way up into more intensity. Don’t ever go in immediately with more than one finger and just start thrusting for all you’re worth. Use wet, or lubbed, fingers and gently ease one in. Once one is in start with gentle thrusting. When she wants more she’ll tell you to add a finger or to do it harder. This is more an art than a science so just go slow and feel it out. At this point you can feel for the G-spot but be aware not all women like G-spot stimulation so be prepared to abandon that plan if she doesn’t appear receptive. To find the G-spot curl your finger(s) inside her toward her navel and with the pads of your fingers make a curling “come hither” motion. The G-spot will feel different from the rest of her vaginal walls in texture but it’s best to just rely on her feedback to know when you’ve hit it. If she doesn’t like G-spot stimulation just focus on a straight in and out motion and try not to angle them down too much that can stretch the skin and be uncomfortable.

So in summation cardinal rules:

Use lube or copious amounts of spit

Start gently and build up intensity

Stimulate her vulva not just her clit

Never go after the clit directly and just rub like mad

Start with one finger and add more at her request

P.S.

Yes, I did just write an article on hand jobs referencing a Norwegian abstract artist/writer while watching a lifetime movie. I am multifaceted. By the way, though, why does Gail O’Grady star in all these movies and why do the single parents always have a kid named Zack? I can’t remember the last Zack I met. These are questions for the ages.