The Hills Recap: Drug Rumors, Metrosexuals, Dysfunctional Families & Healing Crystals

The second episode of The Hills' final season focused on nasty rumors and the b!tch who started them. Yes, we know that applies to pretty much every episode.

Lauren Conrad's non-sex tape and Speidi's involvement in spreading that story took up multiple seasons. Is Kristin Cavallari's "drug problem" the new version?

Last night's episode, "Rumor Has It," found her singling out Stephanie as the rumor culprit. Below, THG breaks down the action using our patented +/- scale:

Kristin on Stephanie Pratt and why she'd start rumors: "Because she's crazy, she's a pathological liar, she has nothing going on in her life." All true. Plus 15.

Stacie the Bartender is still around. Does Kristin not have any girlfriends the network didn't create for her? Is Stacie the Bartender her full name? Minus 4.

Brody Jenner: "[Steph] made up these rumors because she is a crazy person. With her past drug addiction, maybe she's mirroring herself." Deep. Plus 7.

Cocaine. It's what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Stephanie and Lo read about Kristin's drug use from gossip tabloids and thus think "she is definitely doing drugs," which is hilarious on many levels. Minus 3.

Kristin throws a party to "get to the bottom of this." Or because MTV told her too. Plus 2, because amazingly, the whole cast will be there, including Speidi!

Minus 9 for the lines fed to Brody about Ryan Cabrera and the fake conflict over Audrina. Metrosexual cracks are cliched, and why the eff would Brody care?

LOL, Ryan does look kind of d-bag-ish, however, so Plus 3.

Heidi Montag is, like, excited to debut her new body. Her fam didn't love her new look, but friends think she looks great. Psst ... they're getting paid. Plus 7.

What is Lo even doing on the show at this point? Minus 4.

Stephanie starts to make small talk with Spencer Pratt, but gets so choked up and starts to cry. Spencer berates her. How awesomely dysfunctional. Plus 5.

Comment rendered unnecessary.

Dismayed by family issues, Spencer is carrying around crystals to channel his anger and bring life "peace and balance." What a ridiculous human being. Plus 12.

Kristin says she really doesn't want to be friends with Stephanie because she just likes to create drama. That and 100 other reasons make sense to us. Plus 3.

Nice to see Charlie adopting the Justin-Bobby look. Minus 6.

What's more fake, any dialogue featuring Stephanie and Kristin or Heidi Montag's ginormous, hilarious fake boobs? No points, just throwing that out there.

TOTAL: +30. SEASON: +40. This was The Hills at its best and worst, all at the same time. So much contrived, but entertaining nonsense to go around.

The Hills, Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Stephanie Pratt, Audrina Patridge, Brody Jenner, Kristin Cavallari, Lauren Bosworth, Ryan Cabrera

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The Hills Ratings Tank; Kristin Cavallari to Blame?

Kristin Cavallari looks damn good in a bikini.

The same can't be said for how she looks on TV screens, however, according to The Hills fan base, which is dwindling with each passing episode.

MTV dredged up Kristin Cavallari, former Laguna Beach bad girl, in hopes that she could inject new life into its struggling cash cow, The Hills.

So far, the new season can be summed up in two words: Epic. Fail.

Somewhere in West Hollywood, Lauren Conrad is probably ROTFL.

Ratings for The Hills are down by a third this season, i.e. as soon as LC called it a reality TV career and the network inexplicably decided that the "reality" show could go on just as successfully if they inserted Kristin as the lead character.

Is Kristin Cavallari solely to blame for the viewership decline?

While Kristin's "return" has been disappointing for myriad reasons, Lauren leaving is probably just as big a factor behind the show's declining viewership.

Even though the show was at times contrived and she could be a bit exasperating, LC was always a real person, and one peeps generally liked watching.

Normal Lauren and insane, but entertaining Speidi struck a nice balance. Kristin Cavallari and Justin freaking Bobby as the focal point? Not so much.

A 33 percent dropoff is fairly significant, and will be hard to reverse. At this rate, you have to think the current season of The Hills will be its last.

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The Hills Brings in the Bills for its Stars

In this economy, isn't it nice to know that not everyone is suffering?

Sure, the unemployment rate in Detroit is close to 30% and average home prices in that once-thriving city are under $20,000.

But at least talentless reality stars are raking in millions per year to read from cue cards and pretend to get married!

Speidi earned more money for this photograph than millions of people make in a year. We're not exaggerating.

A new report from The Daily Beast reveals the salaries for various cast members on The Hills. You might wanna be sitting down for these. The numbers are more shocking than anything Mackenzie Phillips has ever said...

• Lauren Conrad: $125,000/episode
• Audrina Patridge, Lauren Bosworth and Heidi Montag: $100,000/episode
• Kristin Cavallari: $90,000/episode
• Spencer Pratt: $65,000/episode
• Brody Jenner: $45,000/episode

Keep in mind, these figures represent solely what each star brings in per half hour. Spencer and Heidi are known to pocket close to $50,000 for personal appearance and staged photo ops.

We bet they have good health insurance, too.

Barack Obama really needs to implement his Socialist agenda and do something about the discrepency between the rich and the poor in this country.

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Stephanie Pratt: Would You ... You Know?

The annoying Stephanie Pratt donned a bikini as she taped a pre-Labor Day episode of The Hills with new cast member Kristin Cavallari in Malibu, Calif.

The 23-year-old sister of Spencer Pratt sure has whipped herself into shape, as the reality TV beauty didn't look nearly this svelte a few months ago:

Stephanie Pratt filming The Hills. [Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

With Indian summer in full swing, that means plenty more Stephanie Pratt on the beach in her two-piece, playing a big role in Season 5 of The Hills.

Which is great ... except it's Stephanie Pratt.

Sure, she's a cute girl. But she kind of looks like Spencer, which is kind of a turn-off, and she's also all sorts of painful.

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