The Hills Recap: Drug Rumors, Metrosexuals, Dysfunctional Families & Healing Crystals

The second episode of The Hills' final season focused on nasty rumors and the b!tch who started them. Yes, we know that applies to pretty much every episode.

Lauren Conrad's non-sex tape and Speidi's involvement in spreading that story took up multiple seasons. Is Kristin Cavallari's "drug problem" the new version?

Last night's episode, "Rumor Has It," found her singling out Stephanie as the rumor culprit. Below, THG breaks down the action using our patented +/- scale:

Kristin on Stephanie Pratt and why she'd start rumors: "Because she's crazy, she's a pathological liar, she has nothing going on in her life." All true. Plus 15.

Stacie the Bartender is still around. Does Kristin not have any girlfriends the network didn't create for her? Is Stacie the Bartender her full name? Minus 4.

Brody Jenner: "[Steph] made up these rumors because she is a crazy person. With her past drug addiction, maybe she's mirroring herself." Deep. Plus 7.

Cocaine. It's what's for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Stephanie and Lo read about Kristin's drug use from gossip tabloids and thus think "she is definitely doing drugs," which is hilarious on many levels. Minus 3.

Kristin throws a party to "get to the bottom of this." Or because MTV told her too. Plus 2, because amazingly, the whole cast will be there, including Speidi!

Minus 9 for the lines fed to Brody about Ryan Cabrera and the fake conflict over Audrina. Metrosexual cracks are cliched, and why the eff would Brody care?

LOL, Ryan does look kind of d-bag-ish, however, so Plus 3.

Heidi Montag is, like, excited to debut her new body. Her fam didn't love her new look, but friends think she looks great. Psst ... they're getting paid. Plus 7.

What is Lo even doing on the show at this point? Minus 4.

Stephanie starts to make small talk with Spencer Pratt, but gets so choked up and starts to cry. Spencer berates her. How awesomely dysfunctional. Plus 5.

Comment rendered unnecessary.

Dismayed by family issues, Spencer is carrying around crystals to channel his anger and bring life "peace and balance." What a ridiculous human being. Plus 12.

Kristin says she really doesn't want to be friends with Stephanie because she just likes to create drama. That and 100 other reasons make sense to us. Plus 3.

Nice to see Charlie adopting the Justin-Bobby look. Minus 6.

What's more fake, any dialogue featuring Stephanie and Kristin or Heidi Montag's ginormous, hilarious fake boobs? No points, just throwing that out there.

TOTAL: +30. SEASON: +40. This was The Hills at its best and worst, all at the same time. So much contrived, but entertaining nonsense to go around.

The Hills, Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Stephanie Pratt, Audrina Patridge, Brody Jenner, Kristin Cavallari, Lauren Bosworth, Ryan Cabrera

READ MORE » The Hills Recap: Drug Rumors, Metrosexuals, Dysfunctional Families & Healing Crystals

Audrina, Kristin and Justin Hug it Out, Bitches!

Just two nights after a contentious season finale of The Hills, Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari partied together all night as they celebrated in New York.

The ladies were hugging and dancing all night, as if nothing ever happened. They took shots at the bar with fellow revelers Brody Jenner and Whitney Port.

Putting on a good show for the finale party? Or for the show itself?

Oddest of all, Audzo and K-Cavs were even spotted in a three-way embrace with Audrina's infamous ex (and Kristin's fake boyfriend) Justin-Bobby Brescia.

Either they got over their season-long feud really, really fast, or everything you see on that show is likely scripted and fake. Oh wait, we know it's the latter.

Naturally, The Hills was picked up for a sixth season yesterday!

Something is very, very wrong with this picture. That something is that despite an aversion to personal hygiene, Justin-Bobby has gotten with both of these girls.

READ MORE » Audrina, Kristin and Justin Hug it Out, Bitches!

Audrina, Kristin and Justin Hug it Out, Bitches!

Just two nights after a contentious season finale of The Hills, Audrina Patridge and Kristin Cavallari partied together all night as they celebrated in New York.

The ladies were hugging and dancing all night, as if nothing ever happened. They took shots at the bar with fellow revelers Brody Jenner and Whitney Port.

Putting on a good show for the finale party? Or for the show itself?

Oddest of all, Audzo and K-Cavs were even spotted in a three-way embrace with Audrina's infamous ex (and Kristin's fake boyfriend) Justin-Bobby Brescia.

Either they got over their season-long feud really, really fast, or everything you see on that show is likely scripted and fake. Oh wait, we know it's the latter.

Naturally, The Hills was picked up for a sixth season yesterday!

Something is very, very wrong with this picture. That something is that despite an aversion to personal hygiene, Justin-Bobby has gotten with both of these girls.

READ MORE » Audrina, Kristin and Justin Hug it Out, Bitches!

The Hills Ratings Tank; Kristin Cavallari to Blame?

Kristin Cavallari looks damn good in a bikini.

The same can't be said for how she looks on TV screens, however, according to The Hills fan base, which is dwindling with each passing episode.

MTV dredged up Kristin Cavallari, former Laguna Beach bad girl, in hopes that she could inject new life into its struggling cash cow, The Hills.

So far, the new season can be summed up in two words: Epic. Fail.

Somewhere in West Hollywood, Lauren Conrad is probably ROTFL.

Ratings for The Hills are down by a third this season, i.e. as soon as LC called it a reality TV career and the network inexplicably decided that the "reality" show could go on just as successfully if they inserted Kristin as the lead character.

Is Kristin Cavallari solely to blame for the viewership decline?

While Kristin's "return" has been disappointing for myriad reasons, Lauren leaving is probably just as big a factor behind the show's declining viewership.

Even though the show was at times contrived and she could be a bit exasperating, LC was always a real person, and one peeps generally liked watching.

Normal Lauren and insane, but entertaining Speidi struck a nice balance. Kristin Cavallari and Justin freaking Bobby as the focal point? Not so much.

A 33 percent dropoff is fairly significant, and will be hard to reverse. At this rate, you have to think the current season of The Hills will be its last.

READ MORE » The Hills Ratings Tank; Kristin Cavallari to Blame?