Showing posts with label sex and love. Show all posts

Do aphrodisiacs really work?

Experimenting with aphrodisiacs

Does champagne make you horny? How about caviar? And I heard somewhere that even truffles do the (sexy) trick. But, just how true are these aphrodisiac myths? Do they really spark something in one's libido? And if that's the case, let's put these foods to the test.

Man feeding woman

I did some research to get to the bottom of these aphrodisiac tales. Are they as effective as we've been told in the past? A lover and I tried them out -- on different nights -- as well as one night where we didn't try any (you know, because we needed a "nothing" day as a control), and here's what we found.

Caviar

The Test: Caviar can cost upwards of $50 for one measly pound sometimes even more depending on the type. It better have more of an effect than a good taste! And it does -- caviar has a special quality to nourish and enhance nerve cells, which also enhance romantic feelings. When mixed with vodka, passions will be ignited for sure. My lover and I had some caviar with crackers. To be honest, we didn't feel romance really -- we just enjoyed the great snack. We added a couple of vodka martinis to the mix.

The Verdict: It wasn't long until we did start to feel something. Yes -- we started to feel a little more relaxed, a little more comfortable, and a hint sexual. But then again, it might've just been the alcohol.

Chocolate

The Test: Chocolate does many things to a woman. It can be comforting, it can cheer her up and be guilt-inducing at the same time. But, sex? Can it make a man or woman in the mood? Supposedly, chocolate contains stimulants for your nervous system that can help heighten the "mood." In fact, legend has it that Montezuma, a powerful Aztec emperor, drank 50 cups of chocolate every day to boost his stamina. He absolutely needed to in order to satisfy his harem of 600 women. Wow. My boyfriend and I got ourselves some Toblerone, Ferrero Rocher and Hershey Kisses. Romance had to be evident -- I mean, love is in the names of the candies we were about to consume. We had a couple of bites of each in the span of an hour.

The Verdict: After snacking, neither of us felt a thing. If anything, we felt so disgusted with ourselves (and our ailing tummies) that sex was the furthest thing from either of our minds.

Truffles

The Test: They say truffles contain an ingredient that is quite similar to the male pig sex hormone. I can't vouch for boy pigs and their lovemaking ways, but apparently they used truffles to seek out girl pigs in the wild. This special chemical in the truffle that girl pigs are attracted to is full of romantic reputation. Now truffles are hard to find. You'll have to go to a specialty supermarket or gourmet shop to score some good pieces. My man and I finally found them. We made truffles and potatoes (on the side of our roast beef dinner) -- yummy!

The Verdict: To be honest, nothing. We felt nothing. The truffles, on the other hand, were so delicious. We can't complain. The meal alone was enough to satisfy us. The search and cooking frenzy was totally worth it.

The Control (Nothing)

The Test: We were beginning to think that maybe we're not as attracted to each other as we thought. Three nights with caviar, chocolate and truffles -- known aphrodisiacs -- and we felt nothing. With the exception of vodka, which merely lowers one's inhibitions, our sex success rate with these supposed aphrodisiacs wasn't a high number. Could it be that these aphrodisiac tales aren't real? Or, could it be that we're just not as into each other? Have we just been spending time together for no reason? Will this not last?

The Verdict: You can understand our cause for concern. So we tried a night with nothing -- no aphrodisiacs, that is. And finally -- something. We felt "something." Without being vulgar, let's just say having nothing worked. No aphrodisiacs and romance? Interesting.

We then came to the conclusion that while these well-known aphrodisiacs scientifically and historically have helped with romance and urges, another aphrodisiac to add to the list is (which we found to be the most effective, I might add) is by using nothing. No pressure -- it's just you and him, and it's raw. Love, after all, is about enjoying one another. Humans have a chemistry in them already (if you're with the right person, that is) that calls for no sexual aids. Find someone that you really connect with and aphrodisiacs are not necessary.

Daily diet to rev up your libido

Whether you and your partner are trying to conceive or just want a better sex life (and more of it), you probably have thought of using toys, playing games and wearing lingerie. But did you know there are many everyday foods out there that you and your beau can nosh yourselves in that will help in the love-making department?

Delicious Dairy

"Mother nature's prescription for a healthy sex life is high-fat animal foods, such as whole milk, cream and butter," says Kaayla T. Daniel, who has a PhD in nutrition and is the author of The Whole Soy Story: The Dark Side of America's Favorite Health Food. "Anatomy and physiology books make it abundantly clear that we need plenty of fats--natural saturated fats, as opposed to the trans fats in margarine and shortening--and foods rich in cholesterol if we produce sex hormones and stress reduction hormones."

Delectable Eggs, Meat and Seafood

There's much to say about the incredible, edible egg, says Daniel, whose next book will be about ways to feed your libido and fuel your lust for life. On her list? Aphrodisiacs like caviar and oysters, and fish and meat. "Although it's fashionable to eat low-fat, plant-based diets that include a lot of soy, right now, this is a prescription for lowered fertility and libido," says Daniel. In fact, monks in Asia eat soy to help them maintain their vows of celibacy. So put down the edamame and have some sushi rolls with caviar for an appetizer next time you're at a Japanese joint.

Super Veggies

Some of the health nuts are onto something. As if veggies couldn't get any better for you, Genie James, author of In the Mood Again (out January 2010), recommends natural hormone-balancing foods to help you with your sex drives. In the book, Genie devotes an entire chapter on "sexy-healthy eating" to keep your sex life hot and sizzling.

James, who's treated thousands of men and women looking to regain vitality and lost libido at the Natural Hormone Institute in Jacksonville, FL, disagrees with Daniel when it comes to soy. One should eat foods that are rich in phytoestrogens (which means plant estrogen and includes soy), James advises. "In other words, if you are estrogen dominant, phytoestrogens will temporarily bind to your estrogen receptors thereby reducing estrogen activity at a cellular level. Conversely, if you are estrogen deficient, phytoestrogens will jump in to make up for some of the insufficiency."

"Some of the richest phytoestrogen-containing foods are soy products, including soybeans, soy milk, tofu, tempeh, textured vegetable protein, roasted soybeans, miso and edamame," James points out. "Did you know that the number one Japanese porn star was 72 years old? Many postulate that to the fact that the Japanese diet is rich in phytoestrogens."

Lovable Lignans

"Lignans are another exemplary phytoestrogenic food group," says James. They're present in a wide variety of plant foods, including seeds (flax, flax seed oil, pumpkin, sunflower, poppy), whole grains (rye, oats, barley), bran (wheat, oat, rye), and fruits (particularly berries). "Flaxseed is by far the richest dietary source of plant lignans," James attests.

Live for Liver

I have yet to find a human who enjoys eating liver, but did you know it can make youa better lover? The reason for that: It's loaded with zinc, which is necessary to maintain optimum levels of testosterone. "Inadequate zinc levels prevent the pituitary gland from releasing luteinizing and follicle stimulating hormones, which stimulate testosterone production," James explains. "Zinc also inhibits the aromatase enzyme that converts testosterone into excess estrogen."

Zinc has also been proven to help the body produce healthier sperm by increasing sperm count and motility--so if you're trying to conceive, liver's for you. "A USDA study found that semen volume dropped 30 percent when zinc intake was low," James says. "Research published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that male volunteers who consumed low amounts of zinc exhibited decreased semen volumes and serum testosterone concentrations."

Other foods rich in zinc include oysters, other mollusks, shrimp, crab, peanuts, lentils and whole grains.

Now you should have enough to add to your eat-for-sex-health shopping list. Perhaps you'll make some liver tonight with a side of oysters? Or maybe caviar and flaxseeds are more your style. Bon appetit!

To settle , or not to settle?

Should women settle ... ever?

These experts answer the highly debated question.

Last year, an article in (www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry) urged women to "marry him!" The piece was written by a woman who supports the idea of settling for Mr. Good Enough. Women might have ticking biological clocks, but at the end of the day, you should ask yourself: Do I want to have children for the sake of having children with a man I'm only lukewarm for? I would hope not. Do others agree? I turned to other relationship gurus for their take...

Have a Backbone, Ladies!

For Sam Jernigan, who’s been there and done that, the topic of settling struck a nerve because she’s been divorced from what she describes as a "vapid"15-year marriage. "I realized I paid a really high price for settling, so I've resisted the temptation to do [so again] since and have urged my gal pals to do [the same],"she explains. When Jernigan dates, if she sees no spark, she drops it (or him rather). "My motto is to keep the flight deck clear [rather than] have someone hover who could prevent a serious contender from landing in my world,"she says.

Jernigan jotted down a (Donald) Trump-ism on a post-it that she keeps on her desk: You have to think anyway, you may as well think big. "To me, if you accept a crappy job because you lost a great one, how exactly is that really solving your problem?"she asks. "Isn’t it just forestalling really dealing with the need to get your career fully back on track?"Jernigan feels strongly that women need to be about courage and far-sightedness, and holding out for that which is the best fit possible in each and every area of our complex lives.

Yes and No

Karol Ward, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert, says it’s not black and white. When asked if it’s okay to settle, she says yes and no. "Yes, if you are completely clear on what you are doing and why you are choosing to settle, you can probably create some happiness,"she says. "No, if you are not completely honest with yourself, you can be in for heartache."For example, if you choose someone who doesn’t match your core values but fool yourself into thinking you can change him or her, down the road, you are in for a big disappointment, she points out.

"I have worked with patients who have settled, and they carry the emotional weight of that choice with them for the rest of their lives,"she warns.

All Women "Settle”

To my dismay, Dr. Sybil Keane, psychologist and mental health expert on JustAnswer.com disagrees. "Most women settle (or accept) because they believe the myths that society dictates,"she points out. "They settle because they don’t think they deserve anything or they settle because that little clock is ticking away. They settle because of expectations of others or themselves.”

So should women settle, I ask her? "We all settle whether we want to recognize it as such or not,"she says. "I would like to say we all accept, rather than settle. I think settling has a lot to do with acceptance. Once we accept we are who we are, that most of our fantasies are just that, that real life is full of opportunities and disappointments we can truly live, whether it’s alone or with someone.”

Let’s talk orgasms

Of course, we all know how awesome an orgasm feels. But did you know that orgasms also have major physiological effects on your body?

Yes they do. When you have an orgasm, the hormones released during these feel-good moments also help keep your hormones in check, reduce stress, regulate your menstrual cycle, fight off breast cancer, keep your appetite under control and keep you sane.

Helpful hormones

I’ve got one word for you: Oxytocin. This is the main hormone your body releases during an orgasm. Oxytocin not only makes us feel soooooo damn good, it also acts as a neurotransmitter and plays a major role in facilitating uterine contractions during labor and in helping women breastfeed successfully.

And, get this, newer research has shown that it also plays a role in sexual arousal, bonding with others, increasing trust and reducing fear, our maternal instinct and memory.

Here’s some more juice on orgasms and oxytocin -- if you’re trying to get pregnant, the hormones released during an orgasm help with that, too!

The cervical dip

When you have an orgasm, the hormones that are released make your cervix contract, causing it to repeatedly dip in and out of the vagina (that’s what those muscular contractions you feel after an orgasm are). It’s those muscular contractions, or the "cervical dip" as I like to call it, that help guide your man’s sperm up into your body to facilitate pregnancy.

I’m sure you’re wondering, can a woman get pregnant without having an orgasm after sex? Of course she can. Orgasms are not imperative to pregnancy. But, here’s the deal: If no orgasm occurs after ejaculation, some of the ejaculated sperm can make it up to where your egg is, but a lot of those sperm just lie there and hang out in your vagina. What a waste.

Ladies, if you want to increase your odds of getting preggers, do the cervical dip. It’s this dipping movement of the cervix that will help bring more sperm up into your body, helping them traverse the distance to get to that egg of yours.

But here’s the catch -- you must orgasm after he does. For you oh-so-lucky multiple orgasm girls, you can still get off before he does, just be sure you do after he finishes as well -- this way that cervical dip occurs and your body helps guide his sperm to your egg and you can be on your way to getting preggers!

Tantric bliss

Imagine feeling completely satisfied with your sexual experiences. It is great to not feel rushed because of the kids or work because the ultimate bliss of an orgasm stays with you for longer than the few seconds after sex. Now imagine that transcending into all others facets of life. It is possible with the practice of Tantra.
Tantra is more than having sex for multiple hours or a man extending the time before ejaculation. It is a practice that helps physical and psychological health, as well as sexual intimacy. It is more about truly loving yourself and allowing that love to flow into the relationship with your partner and beyond.

Dating back as far as 6,000 years, Tantra continues to help people connect with their sexual energy, allowing enlightenment in not only sexual practices but normal life as well. It should not be confused with Kama Sutra, a literal guide to sexual positions. Tantra, instead, is the practice of what feels good to the people involved. Tantra was originally created by yogic masters to learn how to shatter a preoccupation with the ego. As explained by Richard Asimus, a leading Tantric teacher, along with his wife Antoinette, from Cincinnati Ohio, “Tantric yogis discovered the great power (of shattering the ego) is right at the root of every person’s body, in the primal root of sexual energy.” By learning various tools to shift energetic vigor, whether through breathing, meditation or other activities, it shifts the consciousness. Richard compares it to the rising of the sun, “It is like the dawn coming up; of presence, of true aliveness, vitality, an unconditional love.”

Tantra literally means to expand, manifest or interweave. It is a practice of staying in the moment and being complete aware and present at all times. Richard explains it as “not thinking about the texture of a carpet or the way the way the light filters through a window, but instead truly being one with it.” It is a practice of allowing the sexual energy to bring us to an altered state of consciousness. It is a mutual journey and adventure that extends arousal, creating psychological and energetic changes. Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, authors of The Essence of Tantric Sexuality and the facilitators of Tantric seminars, have helped many learn to move their lives into a state of felicity. “The vast majority of Tantra practices are not sexual,” explains Patricia, “Most of them are done alone.” She is speaking about the many Tantric meditations that promote truly loving oneself. “You must know the divine in yourself before you are able to find it with others.” One of the first practices involved when taking the steps to unbridled blissfulness is as simple as looking in the mirror. Taking the time to look into the mirror and appreciating thyself is a fundamental foundation of Tantra. The belief that a person cannot love another until he or she loves themselves is one vital belief behind Tantra. It is about connecting on a deep level and being completely aware of yourself and your surroundings. “Sexual energy dwells in all of us; it is the foundation of who we are,” states Mark. With the combination of loving and appreciating oneself, Tantra transcends the energy that is found in the bedroom, extending into all other aspects of life as well.

With that thought in mind, Tantra does not need to be limited to the bedroom. Nor does it need to seem daunting or sexually involved. “Even the act of washing dishes can be an exercise in Tantra,” explains Patricia. Taking the time to fully feel the pleasure of putting your hands in the warm, soapy water allows you to feel the moment and take pleasure in the here and now. Even if the practice is only for a moment, it is still a step toward the ultimate sexual awakening.

Here are three easy moves that can be done anywhere, anytime to help move closer to a feeling of ultimate love and bliss:

Private Gazing:
Take a few minutes out of the day to look into the mirror. This goes beyond looking in the mirror at the physical. Instead, contemplate the amazing, beautiful person that is looking back at you. Take the time to appreciate the person that you are, while looking into your own eyes. Say the words- “I love you” to help with feeling a sense of self-appreciation. This practice allows you to become more in touch with self and the love inside.

Seeing the Space in Between:
This meditation practice helps open up the senses and allows the mind to not take anything for granted. Meditating on the spaces between the obvious allows one to open up to the unknown. When this shifts to the bedroom it offers an opening up of the unconscious in to the conscious. It allows the mind to experience more than the apparent.

Pumping Up the Sexual Energy:
Kegel exercises deal with the pubococcygeus muscle (or PC muscle). It is the muscle that stretches over the pubic bone, up the tailbone, creating a supportive band for the urethra, vagina, uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, other vital internal organs and anus. This exercise is often given to help women control their bladder and heal after pregnancy. But it also supports and opens up the sexual energy of this area. With Kegel exercises the body’s sexual vitality is energized and awoken. The practice includes squeezing the vaginal area while sitting or standing in a relaxed position. It can also be practiced during urination by trying to stop the stream of urine. In the beginning it is important to slowly work up the amount of repetitions, length of contraction and frequency. It is a muscle that can become sore, as with any other muscle, so it is important to not over-exercise the muscular tissue.

These three exercises can be done discreetly and whenever time allows. They are moves that help you become more in touch with yourself and your sexuality. And that is truly what Tantra is all about. Loving and appreciating yourself, so that it transcends the space between you and the one you love.

The sex-starved marriage

Many couples find themselves tangled in a troubling web when their sex drives are different, and it can wreck havoc on a marriage. Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido - A Couple's Guide, shares some advice to put your marriage and your sex life on the right track!
Sex-starved marriage?
From a frustrated husband
Dear Michele,

Please, please help me. I am going through hell!! I am 28 years old, married with a three-year-old daughter. For the past three years, my wife has avoided being sexual with me. It has slowly gone from having sex maybe twice a week to now, if I'm lucky, once a month. And even then, it's not really having sex. It's more like her saying, "Hurry up and get in here, and let's do this before our child wakes up." There is no foreplay. She doesn't even kiss me. I'm the one who always is initiating any sort of affection.

I get completely angered, hurt, and resentful toward her because I can't understand how she could be so cruel to me. I want to tell her, "If you don't love me anymore, then we can split up and move on," but we have a child together, and I don't think that's right or fair to our daughter. I want to be there when my little girl wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night. But I also don't want to be with a woman who doesn't want to be with me.

So I struggle every day with what I should do because I can't keep living like this. I'm miserable. I have talked to my wife about how I feel numerous times, and nothing I say seems to change anything. Is there anything else I can do besides getting a divorce? Is there something you could write to her so she hears from another person about the importance of a good sexual relationship in a marriage?
Mismatched desire
Does any of this sound familiar? Are these things you've thought or said to yourself? Or have you heard words like these uttered from your spouse in an attempt to get you to change? Either way, you need to know that you are not alone. It is estimated that one out of every three couples struggle with problems associated with low sexual desire. One study found that 20 percent of married couples have sex fewer than ten times a year! Complaints about low desire are the number 1 problem brought to sex therapists.
And if you've been thinking that low sexual desire is only "a woman's thing," think again. Many sex experts believe that low sexual desire in men is America's best-kept secret. Just read what women have to say about what really goes on behind closed doors:

I am so tired of reading articles in women's magazines and watching talk shows that perpetuate the myth that men are always more interested in sex than women. This is a bunch of hooey! There are many, many women who would love to have a spouse who wants to have sex, touch, or kiss. I've spoken to many women who have this same problem. . . . Their husbands simply aren't interested. I cannot believe my circle of friends is so different from the average. None of their husbands are "getting it on the side"... they simply are not interested. In my case, my husband of 26 years has never been as interested as I in sex, and during the last 5 years our sex life has been nonexistent. This lack of sex is more than just a lack of physical attention. It goes deep into a woman's heart. I think in a normal marriage, a couple can fight about anything, but then they can make love and soothe the bad feelings... sort of like a rebirth... a forgiving ritual. But when you are deprived of even that, bitterness and resentment and desperation accumulate. I have a husband who is a good guy, great father, good provider, but I have no lover. I'm angry about the wasted years, the years I could have been loving, but spent agonizing about why I was being deprived. It's so much more than sex. It's feeling wanted, and sexy and desired by the man that you are committed to for life.

As you can see, women have no corner on the low libido market. Maybe you're asking yourself, "If low sexual desire in men is commonplace, why are they so closed-mouthed about it?" That's a good question. When a woman lacks sexual desire, although it may be troubling to her, she's not likely to start questioning the core of her femininity. After all, she's almost supposed to have "headaches."

Men, on the other hand, are thought to have only three things on their minds: sex, sex and more sex. To be disinterested in sex is to feel less than a man. Just thinking about low libido, let alone talking about it, strikes terror in men because it threatens the very foundation on which their feelings of self-worth are based. No wonder they're tight-lipped. But make no mistake about it: there are millions of people, women and men, who just don't feel turned on.

Low testosterone: Bringing the problem that's ailing some men to the surface

There are plenty causes for low libido and erectile dysfunction. One common cause resonates with the low testosterone (Low T) problem. Although some women may believe their partner's sexual difficulties may be a factor of stress or self-esteem, they neglect to realize the problem may simply be due to a testosterone imbalance. It's surprisingly common in men ages 35 and older, and can cause serious problems with relationships and sexual intimacy.

To get to the bottom of some of this type of low-libido and erectile dysfunction issue, we talked to Dr. Abraham Morgentaler, a Harvard urologist, men's health specialist and author of "Testosterone for Life."

Q: What is Low T?
A: Low T refers to a deficiency of the testosterone hormone.

Q: Is that the same as erectile dysfunction?
A: Erectile dysfunction means a man is having difficulties achieving an adequate erection for intercourse. Low T can cause erectile dysfunction, as well as many other symptoms.

Q: What are the symptoms?
A: The most common symptoms of Low T are low sexual desire (libido), erectile dysfunction, reduced energy/chronic fatigue, depressed mood, loss of muscle mass

.

Q: What causes Low T?
A: Low T can be caused by a number of medical conditions, including pituitary and testicular disorders, and by some medications. And it is very common among men with diabetes and obesity. But it appears to be most frequently caused just by aging.

Q: Can it be prevented?
A: At this point we do not know any way to prevent the development of Low T.

Q: If you suspect your partner is having a Low T issue, how should you address it with him? What's the best way to discuss the topic? Since the issue is a super-sensitive one, how can one bring it up to their partner?
A: My recommendation is to say that there may be a medical condition causing the symptoms, and that a visit to the doctor together with a blood test can confirm the diagnosis. The key is that Low T is treatable, and many men will see their symptoms disappear with treatment.

Q: What are some potential treatments for Low T?
A: The most common form of treatment for Low T is a gel rubbed into the skin. Patches, injections (every two weeks) or an implantable pellet placed every 3-6 months are the other main treatments.

Q: What are the side effects, if any, to those treatments?
A: Most men experience no side effects. Rarely, men may experience acne or breast tenderness.

Q: Anything else couples should know when facing the problem of Low T? How can a couple deal with it the best way?
A: The most important things to know about Low T is that it is common, and treatment makes many men and their partners much happier. Many men say they feel "normal" again once Low T has been diagnosed and treated. If a woman notices that her man seems down, less interested in sex, or is having trouble with erections, then the best thing she may be able to do for him and for herself is to encourage him to see his doctor to get checked out for Low T.

The best sex of your life 4 Tips to improve your sex life

Sex Goddess 101

There is no glass ceiling when it comes to pleasure. Even if you’re already masterful in the bedroom, there’s always room for growth. Below is our guide to having chandelier-swinging, nail-clawing, heart-clutching sex.

1. Connect with Your Sensual Self
When it comes to having great sex, knowing what you’re comfortable with in the bedroom is just as important as technique (or being freakishly flexible.) Feeling in charge of your sexuality is a non-negotiable requirement on the quest to mind-blowing sex, so if you’re lacking in the sexual self-confidence department, now is the time to bone up. Dance around your apartment naked, schedule some me-time with a vibrating toy, buy yourself a hot dress – whatever you do, find a fun way to increase your sexual confidence and awareness on your own, so that you’re better able to rock your man’s world later on.

2. Warm It Up
Foreplay is to sex what stretching is to a workout; you have to prep your body for what’s to come. Some men may want to fast forward to the main event, so you must be firm on this and not allow them to skip the pre-show. Kissing, groping, biting, and stroking are all excellent go-to moves; however, nothing is more beneficial to amazing, orgasmic sex than a sensual, tantric massage. Not only do massages feel good, but, as an added bonus, they warm up your skin and connect you with your partner. So put on some sexy music, light a soy candle, and take turns massaging each other, head to toe.

3. Try Everything Once
If you’re in a relationship, what was once great sex can become stale if you’re not careful. You may ask yourself ‘what happened?’ or feel like the spark has dimmed, but in reality, you just need to change things up. There is nothing more exhilarating than the unexpected, so experimenting with different positions or introducing a toy might be all that is needed to put the “oh yes!” back into your lovemaking. For inspiration, flip through a book with your partner, such as The Position Sex Bible or The Position of the Day Playbook. The Kama Sutra is also a classic.

4. The Big O
For most women, exhilarating sex means stronger, more frequent orgasms. While you can’t climax at will, there are ways to increase the probability of an orgasm. Start with strengthening your PC muscles with sexercises, relax as much as possible, and of course, practice a lot!

Lastly, it’s important to remember that great sex isn’t about having perfect technique or rock solid abs, instead, the best sex of your life will happen when you are completely in the moment, ferocious with lust, and having fun.

Remedies for premature ejaculation

You need a diversion

This past week I received the following e-mail from a reader: “I am confused and I don’t know where else to turn. I have this problem.I suffer from premature ejaculation.I can’t think of anything more humiliating. I know the trick about picturing something ugly. The trouble is, I can’t keep that picture in my mind. I’m like overtaken by the intensity and I just lose it. Is there anything else you can suggest?”

This past week I received the following e-mail from a reader: “I am confused and I don’t know where else to turn. I have this problem.I suffer from premature ejaculation.I can’t think of anything more humiliating. I know the trick about picturing something ugly. The trouble is, I can’t keep that picture in my mind. I’m like overtaken by the intensity and I just lose it. Is there anything else you can suggest?”
I don’t usually do this but I’ll share a little bit of my personal life here. I’ve experienced premature ejaculation too. It’s part of sex. The experience can be so overpowering, the energy so focused and relentless, that yes, we just lose it.

What you need is a diversion. Something to take your mind off the intensity, something to unfocus your energy. Here’s a list of the first five things that come to mind. Feel free to use more than one simultaneously, if the need should arise.

1) Listen to bad music during the lovemaking.
I’ll even suggest a tune: Debbie Boone’s “You Light Up My Life.”

“So many nights I sit by my window

Waiting for someone to sing me his songs

So many dreams I kept deep inside me

Alone in the dark but now

You’ve come along”

Yuck. Can you imagine ejaculating prematurely while that’s playing? No way. The syrupy sentimentality is a sure turn off.

And if for whatever reason that doesn’t do the trick, consider a different version of “You Light Up My Life.” The duet sung by Pat and Debbie Boone.

“Rollin’ at sea, adrift on the water

Could it be finally I’m turning for home?

Finally, a chance to say hey,

I love you
Never again to be all alone”

This is a father and daughter we’re talking about. Fathers and daughters should never sing romantic duets. There should be a law.

And if for whatever reason that doesn’t do the trick, consider a different version of “You Light Up My Life.” The duet sung by Donnie and Marie Osmond. This is a brother and sister we’re talking about.

2) Turn on the television.
I know, I know, there’s no way she’ll go for it. But I’m not talking about watching football. Let her choose the programming. All you’re after is the background noise and the image to distract you.

If she lets you choose the programming, watch a comedian. There’s some incredible footage of Chris Farley from his Saturday Night Live days. There’s no way you’ll ejaculate prematurely with Matt Foley in the room. He’s the motivational speaker living in a van… down by the river.

3) Wear condoms.
If I sound like an advertisement for safe sex, good. But condoms also serve a function here. They slow everything down. Getting that thing out of the package, unrolled and on is a form of gymnastics. Use that time to calm down. This in fact is the most effective time to picture something ugly. Personally, I’m a fan of Ronald Reagan. Yes, that’s right. I picture the old man while I unpackage the condom. A sure relaxant.

4) There is a sex toy worth considering.
Desensitizing penis creams. These are “control creams,” according to the advertising, to “keep it hard and strong, all night long.” If that’s really what you want.

Because this is America, the land of choice, these desensitizing creams come in different substances. There’s Ginseng Root and Hemp Seed and Benzocaine and even cherry Benzocaine. Yum. The Benzocaine numbs the head of the penis. There’s a spray too, for less mess.

I’m not sure how these others work. The hemp, I assume, gets you high and silly, which reduces the overall intensity.

5) Finally, I’ll offer one more suggestion. I alluded to it in number three. Men need to take breaks.
Consider a sports analogy. In football and basketball, there are timeouts and ends of quarters. In baseball, the inning ends. In tennis, there’s a change of serve. Why are these breaks built into the games? For the players to relax and reinvigorate. Why is sex any different?

Eleanor Roosevelt meets Pretty Girl

The year was 1978. There were two famous Farahs in the world. The first pronounced her name as far-a. This means joy in Arabic. The second pronounced her name as fair-aah. The first was famous in the Middle East. Her name was Farah Diba. The second was famous in America. Her name was Farah Fawcett. There was one man who had sex with both Farahs. His name was Mohammad Reza Pahlavi, otherwise known as the Shah of Iran.

Golestan Palace
The Shah had a thing for blondes. He didn’t marry them – his three wives, including the last, Farah Diba, were brunettes – but he clearly preferred blondes as his choice of affair. According to America's foremost Iranian specialist, Bill James, the Shah “went to Europe for sex. Particularly Switzerland. He loved going to Zurich and holing up in some extravagant hotel and having women come through his suite. The women were of a certain type – thin and tall and long legs and forever blonde. The Shah, they say, particularly devoured Swiss Air stewardesses. Don’t ask me why but Swiss Air was his favorite airline.”

Farah Fawcett was not a Swiss Air stewardess. According to unauthorized biographer Kitty Kelley in her book Farah Fantastic, she simply was “the most beautiful woman of her era. She was a feast for the eyes: the most perfect hair, gorgeous lips, a lovely rump. Her skin shimmered. But what made her delectable, what gave her sex appeal and made her indeed the American idol, was her cleavage. Farah Fawcett had the greatest cleavage in the history of cleavage. Her breasts weren’t bad, either.”

The Shah, who loved all things American but in particular situation comedies on television, first saw Farah Fawcett in “I Dream of Jeannie,” “Mayberry R.F.D.,” and “The Partridge Family.” On “The Partridge Family” Farah played a character called Pretty Girl. “That character name,” Kitty Kelley wrote in Farah Fantastic, “didn’t do justice to Farah. The character name should have been Fantasmagorical Girl.”

According to Melvin Mora, the Shah’s sympathetic biographer, the Shah “used to have his advance men, who had special titles like ‘the Shah’s Special Butler,’ scour Europe for Farah Fawcett look-alikes. Then he realized, why not go after the real thing?”

The Shah met Farah Fawcett during the filming of the movie Myra Breckinridge, based on the book by Gore Vidal. The Shah and the author were on friendly terms. Gore Vidal, it turns out, was more than happy to talk about the affair. “The spark was immediate,” Vidal reported. The Shah “came on the set. We shook hands. Farah walked by. If you were to ask the Shah about our conversation, I guarantee that he wouldn’t remember a word. I’d bet my reputation on it. All he could think about was Miss Swish, the glorious Farah.” Gore Vidal then glanced deviously out the window, which offered an unobstructed view of the Hollywood sign. “Farah could really shake her hips,” he concluded.

It is unclear how long the affair lasted. “It wasn’t your typical summer romance,” Kitty Kelley wrote in Farah Fantastic. “There were ups and downs, reconciliations and breakups. The relationship developed. I believe it lasted nearly six years. In Farah’s movie career, this encompassed the time from Mary Ann Pringle to Holly 13, or Myra Breckinridge to Logan’s Run.”

The Shah’s biographer, Melvin Mora, disagreed over the duration of the affair. In The Peacock Throne Revealed, Mora wrote, “His dalliance – for that’s what it was – with Farah F. was a whole lot shorter than his thing with Grace.” Grace Kelly, of course, was another one of the Shah’s blondes.

Kitty Kelley, when presented with this information, played it coy. Kitty Kelley’s next biography, entitled Kelley on Kelly, is the story of Grace Kelly’s life.

As for Farah Diba, she represented something totally different than Farah Fawcett. If the latter represented cleavage and desire, the former represented substance and style. “I didn’t want to be just a face,” Farah Diba told her biographer, the Iranian journalist Zeh Khofidian. “I wanted to be an important cog in the royal decision making apparatus. I wanted to be an adviser.”

Farah Diba met the Shah at a reception at the Iranian embassy in Paris in 1958. She was then a 21-year-old architecture student. The Shah was then a 39-year-old famous king coming off a divorce. They married within a year. According to the official Pahlavi dynasty record, Farah Diba’s first sexual experience occurred on her wedding night, December 20, 1959. She gave birth to Crown Prince Reza some nine months later.

Giving the king a son was only part of Farah Diba's legacy. According to Zeh Khofidian, Farah Diba “emerged as a warmhearted, rather cultured figure…. She was visibly interested in social programs… She managed to develop a reputation for compassion. All of this despite her husband. A remarkable achievement really.” Khofidian called Farah Diba, “A sort of Eleanor Roosevelt of her time and place.”

(Disclaimer: This is a faux history, a fiction based on fact. What's fact and what's fiction? I'll leave that up to your imagination.)

27 Things every woman should know about sex

Can't live without sex

22. Props are your friends.
Vibrators, fun feathers, unusually-shaped pillows — you name it, someone has probably patented it. At the very least, these tools will make you laugh, which can be its own turn-on.

23. Sex is how he shows love.
It's an age-old problem: We gals need to feel cozy and loving to want to have sex, and guys need to have sex to access those cozy and loving feelings. "A lot of guys don't have many outlets for communication, and for them sex is a powerful form of emotional expression," says Kerner. Remember that the next time he wants to have make-up sex before you've really made up — to him, sex is a peace offering and a gift of love, all in one.

24. No matter how badly you want to cuddle and fall asleep, you gotta get up and pee after sex.
Why? So you don't get a urinary tract infection

.

25. He'll be snoring by the time you return from the bathroom.
The buildup to his ejaculation involves a lot of muscular tension, explains Kerner. When the wave has subsided, he relaxes and sleep-inducing hormones are released. In short, he can't help it.

26. It's okay to simply take.
Consider how you feel when you perform a one-way act on your guy — you get a certain pleasure out of that, right? Don't deny him the same joy.

27. Sex gets better with age.
(or practice, or time with one partner, or all of the above). The future is looking bright!

Can't live without sex

Lock on the bedroom door? Check. Lustful twinkle in your eye? Check. Read on for the bedroom wisdom you can't live without.

16. But sometimes "Just do it" really does work.
If you wait to be struck with a spontaneous urge to tear his clothes off, you may be waiting a very long time. But if you simply decide to give it a go, your body (and your desire) will often catch up.

17. Kegels are key.
These exercises strengthen your pubococcygeal (PC) muscles, a.k.a. your pelvic floor muscles, giving you more control during sex and intensifying orgasm, says Minkin. To do them, squeeze as if you're holding back urine, then release. (For a more detailed how-to, go to redbookmag.com/kegels.)

18. Your birth control method is not till death do us part.
You need to reevaluate your pregnancy-prevention method at least twice in your adult life, says Minkin: when you go from wild woman to a mutually monogamous relationship, and after you have children. Not only does your body change post-baby, but your habits may change, too (making you a less reliable Pill taker, for example).

19. Doggie-style can be fun — really!
It can make you feel a bit raunchy — and that's a good thing. It just suffers from bad PR. Let's change the name — like how the marketing people changed prunes to "dried plums." Hands-free sex? Getting the backstory? Taking the bull by the horns? Heck, call it Loretta, but try it.

20. Pain during intercourse is not normal.
Occasional discomfort may just mean that you're tense or haven't had enough foreplay, but if sex hurts often, see your doctor. "It could be as simple as a low-grade urinary tract infection," says Minkin. Whatever it is, you don't have to suffer.

21. The way your vagina looks, however, is perfectly normal.
And no, we don't have to see it to know that.

27 Things every woman should know about sex

Can't live without sex

Lock on the bedroom door? Check. Lustful twinkle in your eye? Check. Read on for the bedroom wisdom you can't live without.

8. You need transition time into sex.
Look at all the people who want a piece of you — your kid, your client, the guy who's supposed to be renovating your kitchen. So don't expect to make the leap from corporate exec or general contractor or mommy-on-the-spot to sex goddess without a little time to reassemble yourself. When you're done with the dinner dishes, take a shower — alone! — or read a book. Better yet, get your guy to do the dishes. After that, you might want to give him some action, after all.

9. The more sex you have, the more you want.
It's simple: Delicious recent memories make you want to reenact the fun. But the reverse is also often true — if you go too long without, you forget how much you like it.

10. Masturbating isn't just for dry spells.
First of all, it's plain fun, and second, when was the last time you disappointed yourself? Not to mention the fact that more frequent orgasms will keep you craving partner play, too (see above).

11. Worrying about your orgasm is the best way to chase it away.
When your mind is roiling, It's not happening...concentrate...he'll think he failed...what's wrong with me?, you're thinking, not feeling. Focus on the lovely physical sensations instead and soon you won't be able to think straight — in a good way.

12. Planned sex can be even better than spontaneous sex.
Anticipation as foreplay. Think about it.

13. Yes, you can give him a hand.
Touching yourself to speed up your happy ending is not only allowed, it's appreciated, especially when your guy has had his neck in an awkward position for the better part of an hour.

14. He doesn't need you to know any fancy techniques.
"There are many paths to male orgasm," says Kerner. As long as you pay attention to his reactions, refrain from inflicting pain (unless invited to) and don't do anything involving teeth (again, unless he asks), you won't hear any complaints.

15. Sometimes what your body lusts for most is sleep.
An "off" night or a dry spell doesn't mean your relationship is tanking. It usually means you have children or a demanding job or you need to be alone in your head. Go ahead, take the night off.

7 Things every woman should know about sex

Can't live without sex

Lock on the bedroom door? Check. Lustful twinkle in your eye? Check. Read on for the bedroom wisdom you can't live without.

1. Every woman has a surefire happy-making position — find yours.
By all means, try new things, mix it up, find an alternate use for your baby's exersaucer when she's asleep if it adds to the variety — but figure out your no-fail move or position so you know you can always have an orgasm when you need one.

2. That position may change.
Maybe in your misspent youth you were all about acrobatics and funky props, but now you strive for a deep connection with your guy. (Or maybe it's the other way around!) What you crave, both physically and emotionally, can shift over time, says Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale School of Medicine. Pay attention to what you're feeling (or not feeling) and adapt to your new normal.

3. He doesn't have a flaw-o-meter.
That would be you scanning your body for an errant pudge or a dimple in the wrong place. "During sexual arousal, men are experiencing such a neurochemical cocktail rush, they're really just caught up in the intoxication of it all," says REDBOOK Love Network expert and sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First. In other words, he's too overwhelmed with joy to notice your "flaws." Put aside your body angst and you'll soon be having as much fun as he is.

4. Sex in a soft, clean, comfy bed is underrated.
You're supposed to want to do it on the kitchen floor, in the airplane bathroom, and hanging from your light fixtures. Bah! There's no shame in enjoying your good sheets.

5. Sex clichés are clichés for a reason: They work.
Get a hotel room. Have date night. Take a bubble bath. For God's sake, buy some scented candles already!

6. Everyone else is not having more (or better) sex than you are.
There is no "normal" amount we should all aspire to, no magic number of times per month that signifies your relationship is hunky-dory. There's only one question you need to answer: Are you having enough sex for you?

7. Asking for what you want is worth the embarrassment.
What's a brief awkward moment of sounding like one of those women at the end of a 900 number compared to, well, getting what you need?

How to look extra sexy for a romantic night

Maintain Your Sexy

Valentine's Day is here, and although it is, in fact, a commercial holiday, it'd still be a lot of fun to show your love on the special day. Stoked for the special night but don't know how to prepare? Don't slack - get lingerie ready by following these simple tips. And remember, this advice applies to other romantic nights of the year, so use them as necessary.

Buy Something New

Hello, Fredericks of Hollywood, Victoria's Secret

and Figleaves. It's time to purchase some sexy in the form of pretty lingerie. Before the romantic evening, ask your man what he likes. Who knows, he may want you in a football jersey. Or, like most men, he'll probably ask to see you in lace and chiffon. It's good to communicate expectations beforehand so he can grow in anticipation and you can plan ahead. Visit your favorite lingerie store (if applicable, that is) and get something you know not only he will like, but you will love to see yourself in.

Groom Yourself

This goes without saying - don't forget to shave, trim, wax what you need to. Depending on yours and/or your lover's preference of hair, of course, groom accordingly so there are no surprises during the romantic night. If you're feeling a little frisky, consider a special design on your you-know-what, like a heart or star.

Stay Away from Junk

Newsflash - salty foods make you bloated. So stay away from potato chips, fast food, and ramen noodles for a week before your fab fling. Consuming foods with a lot of sodium will only add water weight, making your tummy look bigger than it normally is. Stick with natural foods before your romantic night. Shop at Wholefoods and farmer's markets. Eat salads with light dressing and lots of whole grain

pastas, rice and bread. Doing so will make your body sexier than it already is!

Set the Mood

To sex up the room, you'll need two manipulate two important things: the lighting and aroma. Give your bedroom or living room that romantic glow it doesn't normally have.. Instead of using plain old tealight candles, consider PartyLite's Scents of Illumination. These unique translucent solid frangrance-filled wine glasses will hold tealight candles. It really provides a nice touch to your wine setup and table setting. You can get them in scents like champagne pear (if you're having white wine) and Tuscan vineyards (if you're having red wine).. They retail for $32.95 each or you can get two for $62.95 at www.partylite.com. You can also get the tealights there for $9.50 for a dozen.

Own Your Sexy

No matter what you do to get ready for the lovely day - whether you groom, eat right, and dress sultry - your sex appeal won't go very far if you don't own it. After you follow the steps above, it's very important to know, remember and maintain how sexy you are. Once you and your lover are "in the moment," just enjoy yourself, each other and the night. Then, repeat every day if possible to keep that love alive. Valentine's Days, anniversaries and honeymoons aren't the only occasions for fun loving.

Bedroom communication

In some ways, there is a sense of irony involved considering you can have sex with your lover, but you cannot talk about what you’re doing.

"Wow" him in the bedroom

If it's a bedroom taboo -- he likes it. If it's far from the conventional missionary position -- he likes it. Like boys, men are often attracted to a challenge and anything off-limits.

A guy may share his sexual fantasies or secrets. He may even question his own desires -- especially if they're not conventional. But here are some sexual secrets and insight into male desires that'll get any man excited!

Sex ideas

SEX SECRET #1
Men are visual. He sometimes wants to sit back and enjoy the show. This can mean watching you dance seductively, caress yourself, and truly bring yourself pleasure. Make some noise. Moan. Talk dirty.

This shows him that you're comfortable with your body, tell him you're not some uptight prude who's afraid of letting loose and feeling good. Remember, your turn-on is his turn-on.

If you can let go of your inhibitions and enjoy your own pleasurable caresses -- even pretend that no one is watching -- he'll get hot and bothered and enjoy the challenge of having to wait until it's his turn to do the touching.

Sex ideas

SEX SECRET #2
Anal sex. This may not cross either partner's mind during the first few rounds of heated passion, and it may not be something you want to experience with someone in the early stages of dating. But sooner or later, when you've established some level of commitment or consistent relationship with a man, he's ready for some variety.

A man should know to be gentle, and if he tries to make his way into the other side with a little too much force, just ask him to take it more slowly. Any decent, normal guy does not enjoy pleasure if it causes a woman pain. In fact, your pleasure is usually his biggest turn-on.

Most of all, relax. That area is charged with sensation; if you just let go, and tell yourself to leave reality outside the bedroom door and let your instincts and desires lead the way, you just might like what he has to offer.

Sex ideas

SEX SECRET #3
Be the woman of his dreams -- literally. Wait until he's asleep, then make your move. Trust me, no matter how soundly he is sleeping, there is one body part that will definitely perk up when you touch it.

He'll be putty in your hands. The experience may be a bit surreal for him. He may never fully awaken, but he'll love his sexy dream and its leading actor -- you! If it's late and dark and he's sleepy, he may not be certain of where sleep ends and reality begins, but let him revel in this sleepy fantasy. He'll appreciate your initiative and awaken the next day with a satisfied smile on his face.

How to please and keep the romance

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What we can learn from French women about sex and love

If Paris is the love capital of the world, then French women are the denizens who keep it running with their special brand of sex appeal. In tribute to Bastille Day this week, below are three steal-worthy love secrets of French femmes.

They take a laissez-faire view on sex

The French reputation of being sexually open-minded is no more evident in the abundance of erotic shops and topless cabarets in Paris than it is in the sexual habits of its women. A recent study by the French Aids research agency showed that women in France had nearly twice as many partners as they did in the 1970s.

But although they may have coined the expression “ménage à trois,” the French are still romantics at heart. Several years after famously declaring that she found monogamy to be “terribly boring,” Carla Bruni married President Nicolas Sarkozy earlier this year after a whirlwind three-month courtship that was the stuff of fairy tales (and French tabloids.)

They become even sexier as they age

“If I have to get old, I want to do it in Paris,” notes writer Pamela Druckerman in a column in the New York Times. Her reasoning? Unlike their American counterparts, French women don’t suffer from a shortage of nookie as they age.

On the contrary, a study by France's Regional Health Observatory showed that 90% of French women over 50 are embracing their inner femme fatales and dating actively.

“Older women in Paris don't actually look any better than the ones in New York,” writes Druckerman. “The difference is that the French typically don't see sex as a privilege for the young and beautiful. They see it as one of life's most basic pleasures - something women or men would not give up without a fight.”

They love their knickers

French women know that fabulous lingerie

can not only transform your body, but it can give your self-esteem a shot of confidence as well, making you instantly feel more feminine and sexy. For them, it is an everyday must. According to a survey, women spend close to twenty percent of their annual clothing budgets on lingerie alone in France.

“Lingerie makes a woman feel good about herself, which can translate to increased sexual satisfaction,” notes New Jersey sex therapist Susana Alexander.

So ladies, take note: don’t just save your lacy unmentionables for a special occasion

or rendez-vous. Whether it’s a lacy bra or barely-there thong, wear something every day that makes you feel seductive, just like the French women do.